Jersey Love

Q: Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
A: Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

Learn To Speak Southern

 BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."
ALL - noun. A petroleum- based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
JU-HERE - a question. Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

Michigan Robbers

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.