Colonoscopy

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco. Allegedly, there are many female Gastroenterologists and they are much more gentle. 
As I lay naked on my side on the table, a beautiful doctor began my procedure. She told me, "Now don't worry, at this stage of the procedure, it's quite normal to get an erection."
"I don't have an erection," I replied.
"I do." replied the doctor.
Note to self:  Never get another colonoscopy in San Francisco.

Texas Land

Two Texans are arguing over how large their property is. The first guy says "Well I'll put it to you this way, I can get in my truck before sunrise, drive all day long, and by sundown I still haven't hit the other side of my spread."
The other fella looks down, spits, and says "Yeah, I used to have a truck like that."

Columbia Gas

Two Columbia Gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood north of Boston. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter and pressure regulator. Finishing the check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two Columbia Gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"