Top 10 Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock

From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
Concert is Not the Real Woodstock
10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.
5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

Ten Ways To Insult The Elderly

1. You tell them that you went to the museum, saw dinosaur bones, and thought of them.
2.  For their birthday, you offer to help them blow out the candles.
3. On their birthday, you tell the fire department that if they see a large fire, don't water it down, because soggy cake is no good.
4.  Explain to them that the reason that no one can see the Christmas tree is because you put on every ornament that they got in their life.
5. Ask them if they got Columbus' autograph.
6. Tell them that the reason that they got no birthday gifts was that everyone had to pitch in to buy the candles.
7. Ask them if the Disney hit Hercules is telling the truth.
8. Ask them in what order God REALLY made the Earth.
9. Ask them if they helped God write the Bible.
10. Ask them if they personally knew Adam and Eve.

Geriatric Lovemaking

You know your grandparents are doing it when...

1. A pair of edible Depends is found on bedroom floor.
2. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
3. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn".
4. Granny is found cuffed to her walker.
5. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
6. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
7. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
8. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.
9. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
10. Their Craftmatic adjustable bed is set for "doggy style".