Golfers' Sonnet

I think that I shall never see, a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly, if on the green it is to lie;
A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend, to kill the six iron shot I send;
A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me, who cannot ever miss a tree.

Guinea Pig

I drove my sister's guinea pig to the vet this morning. My new golf clubs work great!

Old Golfer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat this. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and stares at her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that fucking lion out of there."