Top 20 Timeless Golf Quotes

1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.~ Sam Snead
2. I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.~ George Brett
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.~ Jim Murray
4. The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.~ Mickey Mantle
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.~ Kevin Costner
6. I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.~ Brian Weis
9. Swing hard in case you hit it.~ Dan Marino
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.~ Lord Robertson
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.~ Jack Benny
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.~ Ben Hogan
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.~ Jack Nicklaus
14. The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.~ H G Wells
15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.~ Billy Graham
16. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.~ Bob Hope
17. While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.~ Henny Youngman
18. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.~ Jack Lemmon
19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.~ Lee Trevino
20. I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.~ Lee Trevino

Change my Number

The phone rings, woman answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass with no hair."
Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching golf, who shall I say is calling?"

The Golfer and the Dentist

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"
The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the nuts." 
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?"
"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt!"