Benifits of Obesity

Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles. One of the great problems with research, of course, is that the researchers tend to find what they're looking for. And when they find it, they stop looking for other things. It's important, therefore, not to believe research by pressure groups that start with preconceived ideas. Examples of findings not to believe: research on the benefits of exercise by phys. ed. department, on the hazards of cholesterol by an anorexic and on the joy of obesity by an overweight G. P. The whole obesity phobia was started by some statistics from a life insurance company purporting to show that people who were overweight didn't live as long as people who were underweight. These were very raw figures and led to some unwarranted conclusions. First, it was assumed that if the overweight group lost weight they'd live longer. This was totally unproved. It never will be proved, as there are just not enough people to study who've lost weight permanently. [95% of those who lose weight gain it back again within 5 years -ed] [and the yo-yo effect of losing then gaining many pounds repeatedly causes a greater health risk than staying overweight. -ed] Second, it did not address the possibility that the obese group might have another factor affecting lifespan. It seems this is very likely, since the Framington Study showed that if diabetics and those with heart disease were removed from the obese group, the obese group lived longer. Let's list some benefits of obesity: Overeating Is Fun. Make a list of all the pleasures that are in this life and you'll find the list isn't very long. The one pleasure that's life-long and never pales is eating. Carrying Fat Is Good Exercise. If you believe in exercise (I don't), surely carrying around 20 or 30 pounds of fat all day should be good for you. Obese People Are Nicer People. This is not just a hasty remark, but the result of careful clinical observation. I've seen an average of 20 patients a day for 30 years. I can tell you that these people are more jolly, more kind, more forgiving and just generally nicer. Although it could be the other way round, losing weight and keeping it off, is so rare that only obsessive-compulsives are able to do it. This may be admirable, but obsessive-compulsives aren't relaxing people to be with. [I agree. Really thin and athletic people are that way usually from a driving goal-oriented personality. In short, they are assholes. -ed.] Obese People Represent Superior Adaptation. In days gone by, there were many advantages to being able to convert excess food into fat. The long winters were better survived by those with a reserve of calories. Climatic Adaptation. Obese people can survive cold better. In particular, their cold-water survival ability has been demonstrated many times. Obese People Make Better Lovers. This is a fact known to romantics the world over. Bony lovers can never compete with what G.K. Chesterston referred to as the "promise of pneumatic bliss." Anorexia, a terrible condition, is rare among obese people. Those who consider the highly trained athlete to be the ideal human might want to consider the greatest duration runner of the animal kingdom, the pronghorn antelope of Wyoming. It can run 95km/h for an hour. It has tremendous lungs, an amazing cardiac output and a maximum oxygen uptake that might deplete the Earth's resources. So why didn't this marvel of nature become a widespread species? Since these antelopes have no body fat, and can stand neither cold nor lack or food, few survive the Wyoming winter. Think about it.

The Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see LAW 3).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

I Was Golfing

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."