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Sex Jokes - Private Parts
Young and No Sense
When I was young, I had no sense,
Stuck my dick in an electric fence.
It curled my hairs, it tickled my balls,
It made me crap my overalls.
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Unusual Case
Unusual Case by William A. Morton, Jr, MD From "Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality" July, 1991 p.15 Scrotum Self-Repair.
One morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin. After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum. Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard. We X-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed. Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop during lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self gratification.
Note: William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.
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Woman After A Face Lift
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, ''I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?'' ''About 35,'' he replied. ''I'm actually 47,'' the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, ''Oh, you look about 29.'' ''I am actually 47!'' she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, ''I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.'' There was no one around, so the woman said, ''What the hell?'' and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, ''OK, You are 47.''
Stunned, the woman said, ''That was brilliant! How did you do that?'' The old man replied, ''I was behind you in line at McDonald's.''
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