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Sex Jokes
What Really Pissed Me Off
A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender. "It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''
''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender. ''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!" ''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood." ''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!'' ''Damn, that really is a drag!'' ''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!'' ''That would sure mess up my day." ''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''
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Mother - Daughter Conversation
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
Mom: So... now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mom: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff...
Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know.....
Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe I remember.
Daughter: Really?
Mom: Really...
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your eyes?
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First Night Back
One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room. We talked for a short while but then things got hot. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway. "If you'll be a good girl and go to bed, I'll give you a quarter," I said to her. Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.
"Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."
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