Voodoo Dick

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfulness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. One day, the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos. "Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection." However, after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him. "Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here." And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, lay an ancient wooden dildo."Wow, that pretty neat." said the man, "But what's so special about it?" "This is the Voodoo dick." remarked the owner, "Watch." Then the owner commanded, "Voodoo dick, rise." All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face. "Voodoo dick, door." The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer. Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, "Voodoo dick, box." The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, "My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?" "Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family heirloom and is not for sale." "Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it." demanded the man. "No, not for sale." "$500." "No, I cannot." "$700." "I am sorry." "$1000." "Well, okay." So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, "When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest." explained the man. The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded 'Voodoo dick, cunt'. With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was beginning to tire and getting a bit sore. She realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. The woman got into her car and raced to the hospital. While speeding there, she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over. "Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?" asked the officer. "Well officer," answered the wife, "I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I don't know how to stop it." To which the officer responded, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"

The F Word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it's sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very few words with the versatility of "Fuck." Besides It's sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used to tell time - "It's five fucking thirty." It can be used in business - "How did I end up with this fucking job?" It can be maternal - as in "Motherfucker."

Valuable Vocabulary Chart:
Greetings: "How the fuck are you?"
Fraud:"I got fucked by the car dealer."
Dismay: "Oh, fuck it."
Trouble: "Hell, I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression: "Fuck you."
Disgust: "Fuck me."
Confusion: "What the fuck...?"
Difficulty: "I don't understand this fucking business."
Despair: "Fucked again."
Exasperation: "For fuck's sake."
Enjoyment: "This is fucking great."
Hostility: "I'm going to knock your fucking head off."
Stupidity: "Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!"
Incompetence: "He's such a fuck-up."
Ignorance: "Fuck if I know."
Displeasure: "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost: "Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief: "Unfuckingbelievable!"
Retaliation: "Up your fucking ass."
Surprise: "Fuckin A!"
Surprise: "Well, I'll be fucked."
Suspicion: "What the fuck are you doing?"
Contempt: "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"

Condom Convention

A representative for a condom company is on her way to a convention. While rushing through the airport, she drops the briefcase carrying her samples of condoms all over the floor. As she is stuffing all the condoms back into her briefcase, she notices tourists giving her crazy looks. "It's ok, she says, "I am doing a huge convention."