Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac

Q: What is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Orange Split

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor's tree. They decided to go to a nearby cemetery to share the loot equally. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell but they didn't bother to pick them since they had plenty more in the bag.
A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying, "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby church for the priest. " Father, please come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing souls at the cemetery." They both ran back to the cemetery gate and again heard the voice. "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What about the two at the gate?"

Deep Sea Fishing

A fishing crew is out in the deep sea. They've been fishing there every day for three months, but they never catch anything. Desperate and all out of ideas, the captain decides to ask God to help him. "God," he shouts to the heavens, "Every day my men cast their nets, and every day they bring them back empty. All our careers are on the line, Lord. Please, let us catch some fish, and I promise to give up swearing."
Nothing happens, so he decides to continue praying.
"I will also stop lying! I will stop cheating on my wife! I will stop gambling! Lord, please let us catch some fish! That is all I ask!"
Nothing happens again, so he decides to pray some more.
"Lord, I will never sin again! I will give food to the hungry! I will give money to the poor! I will go to church every Sunday! I will not touch alcohol, Lord! I will not smoke! I will become a priest! I will make sure all my men become priests! Let us catch just one fish, Lord, and-"
Before he could finish his sentence, the boat began to rock. Thousands of fish were teeming below the water's surface, filling the nets to bursting point. The crew cast their nets into the sea, and each time they came back overflowing with fish. Soon, they had enough to feed their whole town ten times over.
The captain glanced to heaven again and said, "Never mind, we found some."