Thank You..Thank You Very Much!

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back! "Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank you very much!"

Holiday Confession

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church during the Christmas holidays, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest knocks three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."

Short Guide To Religions

• Taoism: Shit happens.
• Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
• Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
• Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough!
• Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!?
• Hinduism: This shit happened before.
• Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
• Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
• T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
• Atheism: No shit.
• Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
• Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
• Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
• Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
• Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
• Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
• Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!