Signs Seen Near Church

The following are actual signs found on church property.

• "No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
• "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
• "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
• "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
• An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
• When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
• "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons, come hear one!"
• A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
• "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
• "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
• "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
• "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
• "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
• "Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
• "How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
• "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
• "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low,  but the retirement benefits are out of this world."
• "Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
• "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
• "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
• "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
• "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
• "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
• "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)
• "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
• "In the dark? Follow the Son."
• "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
• "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

Sunday Sermon

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"  Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"  After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"  Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down. Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said, "now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134, LET'S ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!

The worst racist joke

So there is this guy named Bubba who lives in the South who is totally racist. He hates everyone of ethnic background so much that when ever he sees anyone of color walking down the street he runs them over with his truck. One day Bubba's wife invites the town preacher over for dinner and Bubba has to pick the preacher up and drive him to Bubba's house. Sure enough there is a black guy walking on the side of the road hitch hiking. Bubba cannot control his urge to hit the guy so he thinks to himself  "If I pretend to pass out I can swerve over and hit the guy and the preacher will be none the wiser". So Bubba pretends to pass out and swerves over, after he hears a thump he pretends to wake up. He says to the preacher "Please tell me I didn't hit that hitchhiker". The preacher turns to Bubba and says "No son, but I got him with the door."