Proof That Jesus Was Jewish

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother wasn't married to his father.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hand.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.

Dyslexic Satanist

Q: Who did the dyslexic satanist worship?
A: Santa.

Holy Water: The Cure-All

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.
Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "Father, Father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward!"
The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"
The Choirboy replies, "Flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain!"