Branch Davidians

Q: How many Branch Davidians can you fit in a car?
A: It depends on how big your ashtray is!

Pleasing Sister Mary

There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit. Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!" Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?" To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve." 

Why wasn't Jesus born in West Virginia?

Why wasn't Jesus born in West Virginia? Well God found plenty of guys who liked to deal with sheep, but he couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.