Act Religious

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm, folks" he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray." Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except fellow near the back. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.
"Well, I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" piped up another well meaning passenger. So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...

A Visit to Hell

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven." So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell."

Half Catholic Half Jewish

Q: How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
A: When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.