Missing Person

Husband : I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Officer: What is her height?
Husband : Average, I guess.
Officer: Weight?
Husband: Average, I guess.
Officer: Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Officer : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Officer : What was she wearing?
Husband : Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Officer : Was she driving?
Husband : Yes.
Officer : Color and make of car?
Husband : Black Tesla AWD Dual Motor Model P85D with 691 HP, it does 0-60 in 5.4 seconds, has LED headlights, cornering and fog lights and the tech package with auto pilot. There's a small scratch on the driver door next to the handle.... and then the husband started crying...

Hypnosis Works

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”

I'm Not Stupid

Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's that, Miss?" Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Daddy calls Mommy, Tommy." Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a fucking pig!"