Marriage Quotes

• In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley
• Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
• No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac
• Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy
• Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins
• I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
• Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce
• The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce
• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
• Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge
• In the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kate's allurements smitten, I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon, And call'd her dearest kitten.But now my kitten's grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"
• A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire
• For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault
• My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce
• Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce
• Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy
• Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy
• Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy
• I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy
• I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy
• The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker
• In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler
• If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov
• Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton
• An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
• The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

Girl Talk

The Franklin Factor:  Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.
The Rat Race:  If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.
The Eyeglass Prescription:  Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.
The Ring Rule:  A watched telephone never rings.
The Creep Call:  Never pick up the phone on Saturday night, it's a call from a creep you told you were busy.
The Fishing Forecast:  They say there are lots of good fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish?
The Psychological Prognosis:  Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.
The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.
The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.
The Unintended Result:

• Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy
• Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love
• Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex
• Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.

The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
Twain's Truth:  Familiarity breeds children.
The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.
The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

Marriage Is...Part 2

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.