Wedding Definitions

• Bachelor: ?

1. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
2. A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
3. A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction.
4. A man who never makes the same mistake once.
5. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
6. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
7. A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce..
8. The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

• Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
• Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
• Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.
• Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife where by they agree to let her have her own way.
• Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
• Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.
• Gentleman:

1. A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
2. A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

• Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.
• Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
• Husband:

1. A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
2. A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
3. A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him.
4. A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss.
5. A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.

• Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.
• Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
• Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.
• Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.
• Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
• Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
• Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
• Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
• Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
• Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.
• Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
• Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
• Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.
• Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.
• Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.
• Wife:

1. A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
2. The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

• Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.
• Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.

Quick Thinking!

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him, to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no - My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said -"Come on guys, we're almost there!"

He's The Light Of Her Life

A good husband is the light of his wife's life. However, some wives are getting fed up with seeing their lights go out every night!