Sharing The Remote

You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.

Wedding Toasts

• Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
• Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
• Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
• Marriage is a rest period between romances.
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
• Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
• Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
• Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.
• Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
• Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
• Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
• Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
• Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter...
• Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
• Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
• Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
• Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
• Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
• Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
• Marriage still confers one very special privilege: only a married person can get divorced.
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.
• A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
• A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
• A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
• A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.
• A good woman is like a good bar: liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
• A honeymoon should be like a table. Four bare legs and no drawers.
• A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.

Eight Times A Virgin

A marketing manager married a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin.
This puzzled the marketing manager since, after eight marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena. Her comments were as follows:

"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically 'okay', but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can...do; Those who can't...teach.'
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it."

The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of Marketing." The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it!"