Get Off of My Back

I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back. It was my mother-in-law.

The New CIA Agents

Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it. They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said,
"I can't do it." The instructor replied,
"Then you fail out, so get out." The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said,
"Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said,
"I can't do it." The instructor replied,
"Then you fail out - get out." Finally, the third candidate's wife was left in the adjacent room. The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the third man and said,
"Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there was the sound of two gunshot, followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and said,
"You gave me blanks, so I had to choke her."

Fighting Over a Quarter

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, "Get the quarter back!"