Bad Day Signs

• You wake up on pavement.
• You can't find the clothes you wore home from the party.
• Your twin forgets your birthday.
• You wake up to discover your waterbed broke, and then remember you don't have a waterbed.
• You wake up with your mouth guard stuck, and then remember you don't wear a mouth guard.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-husband.
• You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
• Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

Nothing To Put In It

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

The Raffle Ticket

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."