K9 Passing

My girlfriend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.
She was furious, she said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Three Nuns and the Statue

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says, "I need a cigarette."
"But honey," his lover says. "The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed."
"That's okay," He quips. "I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue."
So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand. The first nun walks over to the young man. "Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser!" She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.
The second nun strolls over. "What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too." She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.
The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried a third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and surprise. "Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!"

Best Date Ever

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.  He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.  "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.  Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?  I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.  "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"  Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up and his plans for the evening were beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.  About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father, "Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!"