Paddy's Hand

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
''What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh!t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.''
"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.''
” Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
''That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but absolutely useless in a fight."

The Honest Truth

A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage and the man kissed his wife's neck and said, "Of our six kids the last one didn't look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?" After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes. The old man sighed. "Who was he?" "You."

Dogs Chase Cars But...

Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70. When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."