New Church Members

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks. "We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a bagel and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!" "I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!" "That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from Starbucks too."

Waiting Game

Q: What does Melania Trump see in The Donald?
A: Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol.

Big Question

Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times.