Paddy's Hand

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
''What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh!t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.''
"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.''
” Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
''That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but absolutely useless in a fight."

Highway To Understanding

One day a man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle, when he opened it up a genie popped out. The genie said he could have one wish. The man thought about it a while then told the man that he was afraid of heights and got sea sick, but really wanted to go to Hawaii so he asked the genie to make a highway to Hawaii. "I don't know said the genie" that is really difficult. Do you have another request?" "Well, I really want to know all about women, you know, how they tick and why their the way they are!" The genie replied "Will that be two lanes or four?"

Element : Man

Element: Man Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4inches.
Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties :

1. Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others. 
2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
3. Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). 
4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. 
5. Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
6. Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
7. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
8. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
9. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
10. When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties :

1. All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. 
2. May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. 
3. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo. 
4. Usually willing to react with whatever is available. 
5. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red. 
6. Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.)
7. When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements. 
8. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
9. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. 
10. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage :
  Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
Uses :

1. Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo... 
2. Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests :
 Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution : 
Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.