Married Man's Playboy Magazine

Q: Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?
A: It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month...

Male Translations

What a man really means:

•  "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" "Why isn't it already on the table?"
• "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
• "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" "I have no idea how it works."
• "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
• "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." "Are you still talking?"
• "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday."
• "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
• "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
• "I CAN'T FIND IT." "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
• "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" "What did you catch me at?"
• "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." "No one will ever see us alive again."
• "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated: "I make the messes she cleans them up."

Newlywed Foot Amputation

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mother," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."