One of Two Reasons

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.

Tampons

Guy goes to the pharmacy at his wife's request to buy her some tampons. About an hour later he comes home with a bag of cotton balls. Staring at him in disbelief she asks, "What the HELL?! I asked for TAMPONS, not cotton balls!!" He says, "Remember when I asked you to pick me up a pack of cigarettes and you came home with a tin of tobacco and told me to roll my own because the cigs were too expensive?"

Much Improved

A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem. The counselor asked, "Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?" "Uhh, no, I guess not," the husband replied. "That happens with many married couples," the counselor replied. "I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her...fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband." "That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening." So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, "We're going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and we're going to have a good time. I've reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great musical to see after dinner, and that's only the beginning!" His wife stared at him, then burst into tears. "What! What's wrong, honey? Tell me what's the matter?" the husband cried. "Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that she's pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the animal clinic. And now...(sniff)(sniff)...now..." she broke off and sobbed deeply. "Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me." the husband begged."And now, you come home drunk!!!!"