North V. South

• The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes. The South has 'mater samiches.
• The North has coffeehouses. The South has Waffle Houses.
• The North has dating services. The South has family reunions.
• The North has switchblade knives. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
• The North has double last names. The South has double first names.
• The North has Ted Kennedy. The South has Jesse Helms.
• The North has an ambulance. The South has an amalance.
• The North has the Mafia. The South has NASCAR.
• The North has Indy car races. The South has Swamp Buggy races.
• The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal. The South has grits.
• The North has green salads. The South has collard greens and chitlins.
• The North has lobsters. The South has crawdads.
• The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores. The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners.
• The North has the rust belt. The South has the Bible Belt.
• The North has Dan Quayle. The South has Bill Clinton.

Virginia Girl

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said "No Way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ." Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said, "I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond. You're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy." So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad said, "Where is your sister?" They replied "We were almost there Daddy, and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read - "Clarence 13'6" - so we turned around and got the hell out of there!"

Redneck Poetry

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
 
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
 
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
 
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.