You Might Be A Redneck 48

You might be a redneck if...

• You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
• Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.
• Your masseuse uses lard.
• Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
• You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
• On stag night, you take a real deer.
• Your back porch is bigger than your house.
• There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

Makes You Think

• I couldn't repair my brakes, so I made the horn louder.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
• If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!
• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Ponderings collection 20

• Why is the word abbreviation so long?
• How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
• Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?
• Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
• Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
• Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
• Why does sour cream have an expiration date?