Bumper Stickers

• Clinton doesn't inhale, he sucks
• USE CAUTION! 90% of people are made by accident.
• It's a dog eat dog world... and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!!!
• I break for hallucinations
• My Lawyer Can Beat Your Lawyer
• Blondes Are Not Dumb (the bumper sticker was upside-down)
• DADDY FARTED AND WE CAN'T GET OUT!!
• IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!!!
• Nuck Fewt
• ORGASM DONOR
• My child made Student of the Month at Juvenile Hall
• No radio. Already stolen.
• Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
• So many pedestrians, so little time.
• My other wife is beautiful.
• I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
• Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
• There is one in every crowd and they always find me.
• I love animals - They taste great!
• I'd rather step in shit than smoke it.
• Unless you are a hemorrhoid - get off my ass!
• On the back of a caterer's truck: "Nobody beats our meat!"

Actual Signs

• Sign in a realtor's office: "Lots for little."
• Sign in a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit."
• Sign in a maternity clothes store: "We are open on labor day."
• Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push."
• Sign at entrance of the IRS: "Watch your step."
• Sign at the exit of the IRS: "Watch your mouth."
• Sign in a bookstore: "We treat you write."
• Sign on a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

Marriage Advice

My marriage counselor said, "When your wife annoys you, go to your happy place." I replied, "That'll make things worse. She hates when I go to the bar."