102 Years Old

Journalist: "So Frank, congratulations on turning 102, we're writing a story about your everyday life. What is the first thing you do in the morning?"
Frank: "I take a piss.....oooh I piss so much!"
Journalist: "Okay Frank, but I can't write that in the paper, what's the second thing you do in the morning?"
Frank: "I shit, oh boy do I shit!"
Journalist: "Frank, come on, I can't write that in the paper either, what's the third thing you do in the morning?"
Frank: "I get up..!"  Journalist: "Thank you"

You Are No Longer Young

• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
• You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father's advice.
• You know how to operate a fax machine.
• When someone mentions TWEETING you picture birds singing.

Little Red's Granny

Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house and found her laying in bed. Little Red Riding Hood said, "Grandma, what big eyes you have!'' Grandma replied ''the better to see you with, my dear.'' Little Red Riding Hood told her "Grandma, what big ears you have!'' Grandma replied "the better to hear you with, my dear.'' Little Red Riding Hood told her "Grandma, what a big mouth you have!'' Grandma replied ''of course I do, have you seen Grandpa's dick?!"