Hidden Meaning

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

Light Bulb - Sales Director

Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right?

Drinking On The Job

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.