Notification Regarding Language

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do realize, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren. Old Phrase - New Phrase

1. No fucking way - I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible.
2. You're fucking joking - Really
3. Tell someone who gives a fuck - Have you run that by..........
4. No cunt told me - I was not involved in that project
5. I don't have the fucking time - Perhaps I can work late
6. Who fucking cares? - Are you sure that is the problem?
7. Eat shit and die. - You don't say
8. Eat shit and die motherfucker. - You don't say, Sir
9. Kiss my ass - So you would like me to help you?
10. He's a fucking prick. - He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit - I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue - You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked - We are a little disorganized today
14. What sort of fucker are you? - You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head - Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker - You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you - I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks - We need to look into this some more
19. I ain't got no cunt - I am rather short of labor
20. Fuck off - I'll look into that and get back to you

You're In Big Trouble

I just knew I was in big trouble at work when: 

• The new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
• The Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
• My assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
• I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, and not a chime.
• My new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
• The Human Resources Department requested an update of my arrest record.
• The Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
• I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
• My parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
• My secretary says things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
• Three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
• The LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
• A large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
• The receptionist began saying "Who?" to anyone calling on me. 

Phrases Useful in the Workplace

1. Thank you - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
7. What am I - flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. I'm just ignoring you.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of calories to burn off.
12. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people realize I'm right.
16. Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.