Business One - Liners & Laws

Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop.
Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Baker's Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. - Columnist Russell Baker
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. - Jules Becker & Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as government, "...once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer would rather settle for the current employee's incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.")
Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is about 0.6. - from a 1977 JIR article of the same title by Daniel McIvor and Olsen Belle, in which it is observed that knowledge of this constant is most useful in planning long-range projects. It is based on such things as an analysis of an eight hour workday in which only 4.8 hours are actually spent working (or 0.6 of the time available), with the rest being spent on coffee breaks, bathroom visits, resting, walking, fiddling around, and trying to determine what to do next.
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
Berkeley's Laws: (1) The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be. (2) Ignorance is no excuse. (3) Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman. (4) Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer. (5) Most general statements are false, including this one. (6) An exception - test a rule; it never proves it. (7) The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it; it probably isn't right. (8) If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made. (9) Check the answer you have worked out once more - before you tell anybody. - Edmund C. Berkeley 

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

• Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
• Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
• Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
• Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
• Sell Girl Scout cookies.
• On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
• Shave.
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
• Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
• Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
• Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
• Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
• One word: Flatulence!
• On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
• Do Tai Chi exercises.
• Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
• When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
• Give religious tracts to each passenger.
• Meow occasionally.
• Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
• Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
• Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
• Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
• Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
• Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
• Leave a box between the doors.
• Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
• Start a sing-along.
• When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
• Play the harmonica.
• Shadow box.
• Say "Ding!" at each floor.
• Lean against the button panel. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
• Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
• Bring a chair along.
• Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
• Blow spit bubbles.
• Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
• Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
• Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
• Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
• If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

Goebel's Laws

Goebel's Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn't worth doing.
Goebel's Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.
Goebel's Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine.
Goebel's Theorem Of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up going full circle.
Goebel's Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a chance of seeing it before that time.
Goebel's Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.
Goebel's Law Of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you make yourself easy to understand?