Playing Trucker

A young boy sits on the edge of the sidewalk, eats some M&Ms, cuts off the back end of a grasshopper, and then moves down the curb. He does this over and over. His mother asks him what he's doing. He says, "I'm playing trucker. I pop some pills, cut off some a**hole and keep moving."

Spider Man

I asked my three year old grandson Malachi what his name was, he replied, "Spiderman." I said, "Malachi, what is your real name?" He replied, "Peter Parker."

Holding Back

My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago, and he comes to me this summer and he goes, 'Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell my kid he's going to be held back a year.' I was like, 'I guess you better tell him slowly so the little dumb ass will get it.'