Holding Back

My buddy Brian had a kid a few years ago, and he comes to me this summer and he goes, 'Man, my son just flunked the third grade. I don't know how to tell my kid he's going to be held back a year.' I was like, 'I guess you better tell him slowly so the little dumb ass will get it.'

Gullible

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman. "Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really really hard." So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below. Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the hell happened?!?" Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."

Don't Need One

A little boy plays in a sandbox with the little girl from next door. He brags, "I have a big fire engine." The girl responds, "So what? I have a fire engine too." He says, "I have a toy tank." She replies, "So what? I have a tank, too." The young boy drops his pants and says, "I have a penis!" The little girl looks down her pants and runs home crying. The next day, the little girl returns to the sandbox. The little boy says, "You still don't have a penis and I do!" "Well," says the little girl, "my mom told me not to worry about it. She said as long as I have what I have, I can get as many of those as I want."