Disposition To Have Children

A wise man once said that having children is hereditary. Which is tantamount to saying: If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.

Preparedness for Children

A simple tests to determine your preparedness for children:
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the cat's litter box, then on the walls. Cover the stains with a coating of crayon. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not shout expletives as this could wake a sleeping child.
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you to the grocery store. Keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one unhappy, live octopus. Wake it up early and try to stuff it into a small net bag. Don't forget the mittens.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic jug. Fill halfway with milk. Suspend the jug from the ceiling and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of applesauce into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Once you've succeeded, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Fill a small cloth bag with 10 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag. At 9 p.m., lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, waltz and sing every song you have ever heard until 1 a.m. Repeat between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. Set alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for three years. Remain cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST:
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to your midsection. Leave it there for nine months, then remove 10% of the beans.
FISCAL TEST:
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Leave it there. Now proceed to the nearest grocery store and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited into their account.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve on both their disciplinary practices and their exercise of patience. Feel confident that you have all the answers. Take note of their expressions. Now run -- fast.

Sleep Deprivation Research in Sherrill NY

In the sleepy city of Sherrill, N.Y., two unsuspecting adults have found themselves the objects of sleep deprivation research.  James Harden is currently in his tenth month of his study. His subjects, Debbie and Dennis Harden, have tried to foil his research to no avail. "Ferber" has failed and so has "The Family Bed."  
Young James conducts his studies by awakening in the wee hours of the morning, standing up in his crib, and screaming at the top of his lungs. Sometimes, a backrub from Mom will put him back to sleep; but at other times, it takes the formula ritual. Sometimes James is actually hungry but most of the time he just wants to check how his research is going.  Just how far has he gone? Last week, James woke up too early; his parents were still up watching David Letterman. Dennis looked at his lovely wife and said, "I can't take this. I'm going to bed."  Debbie responded, "If you do that, I will kill you in your sleep." Dennis went to get the baby.
Any non-Ferber advice or even sympathetic anecdotes are being requested by these strung-out parents. All other babies James age in this area actually sleep through the night and have done so since they were 2 days old. Or their parents are outright liars!