Housewife

One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas, and empty food boxes were on the kitchen counter. When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone. He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today." "Yes" was his reply. She answered, "Well, today, I didn't do it!"

Disposition To Have Children

A wise man once said that having children is hereditary. Which is tantamount to saying: If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.

Preparedness for Children

A simple tests to determine your preparedness for children:
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the cat's litter box, then on the walls. Cover the stains with a coating of crayon. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not shout expletives as this could wake a sleeping child.
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you to the grocery store. Keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one unhappy, live octopus. Wake it up early and try to stuff it into a small net bag. Don't forget the mittens.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic jug. Fill halfway with milk. Suspend the jug from the ceiling and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of applesauce into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Once you've succeeded, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Fill a small cloth bag with 10 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag. At 9 p.m., lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, waltz and sing every song you have ever heard until 1 a.m. Repeat between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. Set alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for three years. Remain cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST:
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to your midsection. Leave it there for nine months, then remove 10% of the beans.
FISCAL TEST:
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Leave it there. Now proceed to the nearest grocery store and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited into their account.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve on both their disciplinary practices and their exercise of patience. Feel confident that you have all the answers. Take note of their expressions. Now run -- fast.