We're worried About You

Dear Santa,
We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.
The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Ill.Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have "a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry. "Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion -- all things you may encounter this time of year. The one bright note in Litt's message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist.
But the news about you facial tint is only our latest source of concern. A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs:
OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. We've seen the pictures; we've noticed you in the malls. And we've heard that your tummy shakes "like a bowlful of jelly" when you chuckle. On this, we'll take part of the blame. All these years, we've set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make and overnight snack of 2 million cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe it's time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to have the old ticker checked out before you start an exercise regimen.
PIPE SMOKING: You've been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed it's only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said "the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath." According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a nonsmoker's risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipe's just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, you're not just a saint, you're a role model.
STRESS: Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotional hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news: A medical news service says laughter -- as evidenced by your trademark "Ho, ho, ho" -- is one of the best stress-busters.
SOOT: We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland said his people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.
RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY): Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year we've noticed you're also receiving -- and answering -- e-mail on at least four Internet addresses, including one based in Seattle, santa@cyberspace.com. We applaud your move onto the information superhighway, with this caution: too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.
DEER MITES: Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood. Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.
FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA: You usually bundle up, and that's good. A Weather Service satelilite recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.
MALL THUGS: You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.
MEMORY TROUBLE: It's been said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or developing a little memory problem?
SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER): This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly.
VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is cold and flu season, don't you?
SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: We've seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and we'd sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through Seattle this year, be sure to cover the load.
JET LAG: Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few travelers cross all 24 of them in a night, like you do.
SKYJACKERS: OK, you've been lucky so far, but they're out there.
Knowing all the dangers you face makes us feel that much more fortunate that you're still faithfully delivering the goodies to good boys and girls every Christmas. Still, you might want to try to reduce some of those risks before your insurance company decides to boost your rates. Which reminds us: You DO have insurance, don't you?

Thanks For Nothing Santa

December 26, 2013
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?! That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH!
Sincerely,
 
Little Johnny

Mexican Magic

A Mexican magician performing at a Christmas party tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "Uno...Dos..." and 'poof' he was gone. He disappeared without a tres.