Santa's Pet Peeves

•  Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.
• When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
• Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch".
• Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask.
• Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.
• Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
• Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam.
• Two words: lap rash

The 10th Reindeer

Q: How come you never hear anything about Olive the 10th reindeer?
A: Olive? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names."

Santa's Entrance

If your child asks how Santa Claus gets into the house, just tell him he comes in through a large hole in daddy's wallet.