Dogs Rules For Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
   a. Don't pee on the tree
   b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
   c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
   d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
   e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
   a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
   b. Don't eat off the buffet table
   c. Beg for goodies subtly
   d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
   e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
   a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
   b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
   c. Tolerate children
   d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. Don't bite him!

'Twas The Night...

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
There were empties and butts
Left around by some louse.
And the best quart I'd hid
By the chimney with care
Had been swiped by some creep
Who'd discovered it there!
Our hung-over guests
Had been poured into bed
(They'll wake in the morn
With a God-awful head)
My tongue, cotton-coated
Hung down to my belt
And only the seasick
Could know how I felt!
My wife - she had long ago
Gone up to bed
While visions of Redskins
Danced in her head
And I in the parlor
Sat all alone
I'd unplugged the cat
And put out the phone
Just then, through a window
Came noise and smells
Like an overturned beer truck
And tinkle of bells!
I sprang from my chair
To see what was the matter
To see what was causing
The smell and the clatter
When what to my wondering
Eyes did appear
But eight drunken reindeer
And sled full of beer!
With a little old driver
Nose red as a brick
I knew it was Santa
As tight as a tick!
Weaving upward and downward
His reindeer they came
While he hiccoughed and burped
And called them by name:
"On Gallo! On Ripple!
We ain't got all night!
You, too, Manischevitz!
And you, Miller lite!
Ho Bud! Easy, Boh!
Give Busch there a hand!
Now now, Lowenbrau
-You can go when we land!
Head up for that roof
--Watch out for the wall!
Get going, you guys
We've got a long haul!"
So up to my roof
Went his reindeer and sled
But my TV antenna
Hit him right in the head!
And then in a twinkling
I heard Santa swear
So hot that it melted
The snow everywhere!
I could tell in a moment
This guy had no class
For he fell down my chimney
Right smack on his sack!
He was dresed all in fur
From his head to his toes
Red were his eyeballs
His coat and his nose
He had a round face
And toy-filled sack
His breath would have blown
A freight off the track!
He was chubby and plump
And he tried to stand right
But he couldn't fool me
-He was high as a kite!
He spoke not a word
But went straight to his work
And missed half the stockings
The plastered old jerk!
Then putting five fingers
To the end of his nose
He gave me the word
As up the chimney he rose
Crossing my rooftop
He went at a run
Not seeing what one
Of his reindeer had done
He skidded, and then
Fell flat on his face!
His remarks after this
Were a total disgrace!
Then he got in his sled
And I heard Santa moan:
"Why did I stop there?
Bux's kids are all grown!"

Invitation

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this." She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We?'ll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees, "All right." The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"