That Time Again

A highway patrolman wanted to set up a speed trap one day.  He got up on a hill behind a big billboard and sat.  He was there for about ten minutes with no radar action. Finally a car came by doing 85 M.P.H.  He put on the blue light and pulled the car over.  He said, "Sir, do realize you were doing 85 MPH?"  The driver said "Yeah, but ya' see, it's that time of the month for the Mrs. and I gotta get her some tampons."  The officer was sympathetic.  He just said, "How about slowing it down."  So the guy sped off.  A few minutes later, another car came by running 85 MPH  The officer gave him the blue light to.  Again, the same scenario.  The officer said "Sir, do you realize you were doing 85 MPH?"  The guy had the same story.  "Yes sir, but you see, it's that time of the month for the wife and I gotta get her some tampons."  This pissed the officer off but he couldn't give this guy a ticket and not the last one.  He said, "Just slow it down."  No sooner than he got back up in his speed trap, here comes another guy doing 95 mph. The officer put the blue light on, pulled him over and walked up to the window.  He looked at the guy and said, "Dammit, don't tell me it's that time of the month for your wife too!"  The guy responded, "No sir, that's just barbecue sauce."

Prerequisite For Farting

Q: Why do men break wind more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

The Landlord

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "I need to speak to him, can you get him for me?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything else I can do for you?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."