Drug Dog

I got pulled over by a police officer and his dog sniffs for drugs. He comes over and says to me, "My dog says you have weed in the car." I responded, "Well I don't know about that, but I want whatever's got you talking to the dog!"

Eight Mile Run

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

Accounting Mistakes

An office worker opened his pay envelope to find his check was short $100. He called the accounting department to voice his complaint.
"You're right, we made a mistake," said the clerk, "but last week we overpaid you $100 and we didn't hear you complaining then."
"Look," said the man, "I can overlook one mistake. But two weeks in a row?"