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Funny Thoughts

Dear Ann Dilemma
Dear Ann,
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts, and my father - a former dentist - is in jail for 30 years, for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle Benny (a master pick-pocket nicknamed "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters (who are well-known streetwalkers.)
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is only 16 years old, so we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.
But, I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?
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Job Security
A lot of people stuck their neck out to make sure my grandad kept his job as executioner during the French Revolution.
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Women's T-Shirt Sayings
- I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.
- Guys have feelings, too. But like... who cares?
- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
- I hate everybody, and you're next.
- Please don't make me kill you.
- And your point is ...
- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
- Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
- You KNOW you want me.
- Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
- Of course I don't look busy. . . I did it right the first time.
- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
- I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
- Do NOT start with me. You won't win.
- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
- All stressed out and no one to choke.
- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
- If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
- Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
- Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
- Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.
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