Bumper Stickers

• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
• You have the right to remain silent.... Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Vampire Races

Q: What happened at the vampires race?
A: It finished neck and neck!

Anheuser Busch

Helga hangs the wash out to dry, then goes downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, iss hot," she says as the sun beats down on her. She passes by a tavern and says, "Vy nought?" So she sits at the bar. "Bartender," she says. "I vill have unt cold beer, please." The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?" "Vell, fine, tanks," she says, "Just ah leetle svetty."