Suicide Note

A man committed suicide by chopping his head off and left a suicide note in his mouth reading, "I don't need no body."

The Miracle of Christmas

I think the real miracle of Christmas is how I get through it each year without killing my relatives!

Nun Beer

Two nuns were shopping at Kroger's.  As they passed the cold beer cooler one nun commented that it would be nice to have a cold beer or two on this hot summer evening.  The other nun agreed, "Indeed it would, sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer here as it would likely cause a scene at the checkout."  "I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied.  She added a six-pack of Blue Moon to her cart and headed for the checkout.  The cashier had a surprised look on her face when the nuns handed her the beer and gave them a quizzical look. The nun said, "We use beer for washing our hair back at the convent, we call it a 'Catholic Shampoo'.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and pulled out a large bag of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.  She then looked at the nuns, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."