Elephant Gift

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.
They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

Bad Day?

When you're having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, just remember: it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.

Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright Standup

• The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!
• The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
• I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
• It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
• I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
• I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
• Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
• I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify," I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?