Welfare Applications

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
• I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
• Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
• I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
• I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
• This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
• Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
• I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
• In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
• My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
• You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
• I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
• I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
• In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Slow

There were three men on a hill with their watches. The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it. The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it. The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!" 

Intensive Care Phenomenon

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 2 AM, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 2 AM, all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil. Just when the clock struck 2... Jimmy O'Leary, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.