Substitutes

Q: How is a soy-burger like a dildo?
A: They're both substitutes for meat.

Cruel Punishment

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Mirror Trick

Two men walk beside each other down the street, one of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, "This guy looks so familiar, but I can't remember where I know him from." The other guy grabs it from his hand, takes a look at it, and says, "It's me you idiot!"