A Collection of Quips

• Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.
• I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
• Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
• People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
• Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
• The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.
• I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.
• When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.
• I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.
• I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
• I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.
• I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

Background Music

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Life Rules

1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. GUYS, TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS: SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER!
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.
7. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.   IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE
8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.