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I threw up while reading the paper
You've probably heard, it's all over the news

Beertender

A drunk girl calls over the bartender, and says, "Beertender! Gimme a martooni!"
The bartender patiently gives her a martini, which she disposes of quickly, then yells at him again. "Beertender! Gimme another martooni!"
He rolls his eyes and serves her another. But not ten minutes later, she's hollering across the bar at him again. "Beertender! Gimme another martooni! And give me some antacid; I have terrible heartburn."
The bartender replied, "Listen, lady. One: It's Bartender, not Beertender. Two: It's a martini, not a martooni. And three: You do not have heartburn; your boob is in the ashtray."

Jumping Wizard

Q: What kind of wizards can jump higher than a bus?
A: All of them, buses don't jump!