Abbot Costello Cyber Routine

Costello:  Hey, Abbot!
Abbot:  Yes, Lou?
Costello:  I just got my first computer.
Abbot:  That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello:  A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot:  That's terrific, Lou.
Costello:  But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot:  You will in time.
Costello:  That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot:  Oh?
Costello:  I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot:  Well, I don't know-
Costello:  Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot:  Really?
Costello:  Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot:  O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello:  I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot:  That's true.
Costello:  So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot:  Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello:  No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot:  I know, you press the Start button-
Costello:  Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot:  I did.
Costello:  When?
Abbot:  When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello:  Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot:  To shut off the computer.
Costello:  I press Start to stop.
Abbot:  Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello:  I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot:  Start
Costello:  Start what?
Abbot:  Start button.
Costello:  Start button to do what?
Abbot:  Shut down.
Costello:  You don't have to get rude!
Abbot:  No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello:  Then say what you mean.
Abbot:  To shut down the computer, press-
Costello:  Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot:  Then what do you want me to say?
Costello:  Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot:  But that's what you do.
Costello:  And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot:  Don't be ridiculous.
Costello:  I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot:  What are you talking about?
Costello:  I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

Yo Mama - Wet

Yo mama so fat, I had to dip her in flour to find her wet spot.

Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

• Your Clothes - 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
• The Baby's Name - 1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. 2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
• Preparing for the Birth - 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
• The Layette - 1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
• Worries - 1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
• Activities - 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
• Going Out - 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
• At Home - 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.